Wednesday, September 21, 2005
my parents did something very right in my youngest years of life, some combination of love and confidence built the foundation for me to like myself, pretty much unconditionally. even with this foundation in place however, i find it difficult not to be hard on myself for things i do. sure i like who i am, but my actions now that's another story. somehow my brain has decided that there is a loophole in loving myself, as long as i love who i am i can beat myself up for what i do.
i think many of us have these loopholes, "i'm a good person, i just suck at _____."
the problem with loopholes like these and the resulting self-bashing they bring about is that they keep us from seeing who we really are, and therefore from being who we are.
when we look at our friends or our family members it's easy to see how amazing, talented and lovable they are. it can be a lot trickier to see these things in ourselves. but surely they are there. because just as we can see them in our friends, they can see them in us.
most of us were raised to think that speaking highly of ourselves was arrogant. we didn't want to brag, so we rarely mentioned the things we did well. the problem is by not mentioning these things we allow them to lose significance, to fade away and be forgotten. this happens all the while we are highly vocal about our mistakes, shortcomings and goof-ups. as a result we end up with an extremely lopsided picture of who we are.
i think buddha said it best:
You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.how would your life be different if you adopted this perspective?
what might shift in your life if you put a ban on self-bashing?
try it out and as always share your insights here!
p.s. one forewarning, if you decide to invoke a ban, please don't be hard on yourself when you break it. you will, it's unavoidable, and being hard on yourself for being hard on yourself, well it's a downward spiral to say the least. i speak from experience.
i love my husband more than anything and there is nothing i can do or say other than your being to hard on yourself. :(
my only advice, as a girl with a partner who sounds much like yours, is to make light of it.
i think often we are pulled to take it seriously when people we love feel bad about themselves, but in reality the thought that our loves are as "horrible" as they think they are is so silly it doesn't even merit a serious response.
i often make comments like "oh silly, what are you talking about you suck" or "yup you suck and i eat bugs for dinner" whatever my brain can come up with to make him see i am in no way believing the words coming out of his mouth.
that's my two cents...