Wednesday, September 21, 2005

 

loving ourselves

everywhere i go lately it seems there are people being hard on themselves. beating themselves up for not doing this or that, or not being this or that. often, these people are some of the most loving and generous people i know - except when it comes to themselves.

my parents did something very right in my youngest years of life, some combination of love and confidence built the foundation for me to like myself, pretty much unconditionally. even with this foundation in place however, i find it difficult not to be hard on myself for things i do. sure i like who i am, but my actions now that's another story. somehow my brain has decided that there is a loophole in loving myself, as long as i love who i am i can beat myself up for what i do.

i think many of us have these loopholes, "i'm a good person, i just suck at _____."

the problem with loopholes like these and the resulting self-bashing they bring about is that they keep us from seeing who we really are, and therefore from being who we are.

when we look at our friends or our family members it's easy to see how amazing, talented and lovable they are. it can be a lot trickier to see these things in ourselves. but surely they are there. because just as we can see them in our friends, they can see them in us.

most of us were raised to think that speaking highly of ourselves was arrogant. we didn't want to brag, so we rarely mentioned the things we did well. the problem is by not mentioning these things we allow them to lose significance, to fade away and be forgotten. this happens all the while we are highly vocal about our mistakes, shortcomings and goof-ups. as a result we end up with an extremely lopsided picture of who we are.

i think buddha said it best:

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.

how would your life be different if you adopted this perspective?

what might shift in your life if you put a ban on self-bashing?

try it out and as always share your insights here!

dream big,
-kirsten

p.s. one forewarning, if you decide to invoke a ban, please don't be hard on yourself when you break it. you will, it's unavoidable, and being hard on yourself for being hard on yourself, well it's a downward spiral to say the least. i speak from experience.

Comments:
I love myself very much, Kirsten, more than the Vikings do, I'm sure.
 
between poetry and happiness
 
my husband is like that... he is SOOO hard on his self! i mean if he isn't the "BEST" at what he does or if he has failed in someway..he is depressed about it and will talk about him self like a idiot... his mom always told him that he would be the best at everything and would become rich and support her and he has held on to that forever. i think it's tough on him to have just an ordinary life rather than a "rich" life that he has grown up thinking he would have... very sad!
i love my husband more than anything and there is nothing i can do or say other than your being to hard on yourself. :(
sad indeed!
A~
 
~manda,
my only advice, as a girl with a partner who sounds much like yours, is to make light of it.
i think often we are pulled to take it seriously when people we love feel bad about themselves, but in reality the thought that our loves are as "horrible" as they think they are is so silly it doesn't even merit a serious response.
i often make comments like "oh silly, what are you talking about you suck" or "yup you suck and i eat bugs for dinner" whatever my brain can come up with to make him see i am in no way believing the words coming out of his mouth.
that's my two cents...
 
thanks... :) i pretty much do that or don't even acknowledge it when he is acting like that.. he is a gemini and i think he follows his sign pretty close.. it's almost like there really is TWO of him! :) dr jekell and mr hyde! lol it's NOT THAT BAD though, or i'd have to have him checked out! hee hee ;)
A~
 
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